I miss her.

I'm gutting out cleaning our guest room in preparation for my mother.  She's coming to visit over Sassy's birthday week and the guest room has no room for a guest.  After the basement flooded and we moved Sassy out of her crib to her big girl bed the "guest room/office" become quite the storage room.  Add the seasonal paring down of kids' clothes to the mix, which of course ended up in the guest room, and I have quite a task before me.

I also started a project a few months ago of getting picture frames and photos on the walls and out of boxes.  I love pictures and I want to look AT them not through them. So diving into my said project meant dealing with a LOT of different types of projects.

Sassy went to a friend's house for the morning and I got to deal with the bulk of crapola that was on the floor.  During her nap, I purged a bit and then sat down next to my stack of photo frames and some loose pictures.  Time to switch gears. I was looking at one of my favorite pictures of me and my paternal grandparents. I must have been a little bit older than BigBoy in the photo, maybe 7ish? I'm sitting on my grandma's lap, between both of them, after a family dinner. We were looking at pictures (you could see them on the table) and we are all smiling.  Looking happy.  Happy to have each other.  Happy to be there together. Happy.

And then I started to cry. no sob. I miss them. and really I miss her. I'm sad that she didn't get to be a part of my wedding, and that she never got to meet her great-grandchildren.  And I'm sad I can't call her anymore.  Or ask her about something only she would know the answer to. Or see if she has any more costume jewelry that Sassy could have to play with.  Or find out why she pronounced her name, Eloise, two different ways. (E-loye-s and E-lo-ezz.) Or just to tell her how much I adore her.

As an adult I realize how much she loved being my grandma.  She was fantastic. She doted on me. Adored me. Spoiled me. I ate it up. But above all, she enjoyed me. She lit up when she saw me or got a call from me. I made her day. and I knew it.

As I'm having my cry-fest, Sassy walks in after waking up from her nap and waves to me with a sleepy grin and says "Hi Mama!" Hi Baby. She crawls up on the couch next to me and snuggles in. I look at her cuddling next to me with that sleepy grin and her crazy bed head, I realize I have much of my gramma still with me. She taught me about unconditional love. And how it feels to be so wanted and enjoyed. I need to remember that when I'm tired. and/or overwhelmed. and/or cranky. And when one of the munchkins wants to play trains on the floor. again. I have to remind myself: Am I still lighting up when I see them? Am I paying attention to them? Do they know how much they make my day? Do they realize how much I adore them each and every day?  Thanks Gramma.  Thank you for teaching me how I should be doing this "parenting" thing. Even if I half-ass all the other stuff, it's okay, as long as I get this part right. Now if you will excuse me, I need to jump off the laptop and and hit the floor to be "mama train" and take "baby train" to the zoo.